Email usOur sense of self, or self esteem evolves from birth. Between the ages of two and seven we are probably at our most vulnerable as we struggle to understand the difference between ourselves and those around us. In a loving family, a child is supported and encouraged to be the individual person they were born to be. They are appreciated for the qualities their psychological nature exhibits. But even in a perfect family (if such a thing should actually exist), our society has clear rules about the types of behaviours which are acceptable.
A child does not exist in isolation, but rather part of a family unit where there are not only societal rules, but other complex personalities. At a primal level, the drive of every human being (as in nature) is to survive the environment into which it is born. In order to do this a child learns to adjust its behaviours in order to be accepted within the group and in this way, ensure its survival.
Depending on the nature of the child and that of the existing personalities within the family, the child may have to modify its behaviour by suppressing certain aspects of themselves in order to receive the love they so strongly desire. For example, a child who is naturally boisterous and of a dominant disposition may be discouraged from displaying those behaviours if the parents find the child to be troublesome or embarrassing in certain situations. The likelihood of such displays being squashed is probably higher if displayed by a female as these behaviours are typically associated with maleness. A male child is more likely to be chastised if he were to display what is perceived as a female trait such as crying. Society's rules can have a considerable impact on how much of our true nature we suppress in order to be accepted within the unit.
Children who are shy and sensitive by nature will have difficulty adjusting within a family where these qualities are seen as weaknesses. They may act in ways which hide this part of themselves. Modeling their parent's response, they too learn to see these qualities in a negative light. The more rigid and controlling the parenting style, the more a child suppresses their original nature in order to be loved and accepted. The child's first experience of a relationship becomes a model for future relationships as they strive for approval and acceptance.
While we may not be aware of it on a conscious level, we are constantly looking for the rules which define the mask we need to wear in order to achieve approval and acceptance. There are however, consequences for the betrayal of our original Self. The most obvious is low self-esteem and a niggling anxiety which we often try to ignore. This anxiety results from a betrayal of our True Self.
Those who never ask the big question: "Who Am I?", have either been able to maintain a large part of their original Self, or are those who are so distracted by the needs of others that they are oblivious to the causes of their stress and anxiety.
This is where anxiety can be a useful tool for those who see it as a sign that things are not right. Rather than a discomfort which should be eliminated with whatever means our scientific world has available at all costs, anxiety connects us to our original fear: that of being rejected. So when we're in a state of high anxiety and think, "What if I make a fool of myself", "What if I lose control?", "What if they don't like me?" these are the same fears we felt as children or in other situations where we gave up pieces of who we really are in order to be the person others wanted us to be.
Some people will live and die without ever having asked the question "Who Am I?". There are some people who do not want to delve into the deeper meaning of things. That's OK and their position should be respected because the human race is made up of all kinds of people. But for others, there is an awareness that something is so wrong that simply learning anxiety management skills is not enough. These people are the ones who recognise there seems to be a 'wall' between them and a sense of fulfillment an inner peace. So what is that wall? What is it made of? In therapy you look at all the things you have had to construct in order to be the person others wanted you to be. Therapy is about deconstructing that wall.
